Pregnancy Protocol

My husband and I have been talking about expanding our family to a foursome and naturally my mind has been baby crazy. It made me think about when I was pregnant with our son and how boundaries go out the window when regarding a pregnant chick. These are no-no's, folks, unless you've been given a green light stay far away from these follies.

1. Touching The Bump. This was, by far and wide, my biggest pet peeve when I was preggers. Random friggin people would come up and touch my bun. What the hell possess people to touch a part of the female anatomy? Just because it sticks out more than it used to doesn't mean it's a landing strip for prying hands. It would be complete stangers that would do it too! I once had a woman touch my stomach at WalMart just out of the blue. Never met her in my life. She says, "OH YOU'RE PREGNANT!" (Uh, duh?) and then lays her paws on my protruding stomach. I flipped. I told her if she intended to leave the store with her hands still attached she would remove them from my body. She was shocked. But didn't say anything, can't get mad at a prego afterall, and just walked away. You wouldn't grab some random person's ass because it was big, so don't do the same to a baby bump.

2. Unsolicited Advice. Dear God please stop telling expectant mothers all these "you should's" because unless she asks for it, she doesn't want to hear it. I don't want to hear the cashier's advice on labor, birth, and raising of the child. I got it handled, mk? If I wanted your input, I would ask.

3. Horror Stories. The last thing a pregnant lady wants to hear is that you were in labor for three days and then had to be rushed for a c-section and they sewed a sponge up inside of you. Pregnancy is stressful enough without having the horrific images of someone else's birth looming before you.

4. Natural Birth VS Epidural. Just because they didn't have the good drugs back then, Grandma, doesn't mean it's wrong for me to get my spinal tap. It is fine and dandy if you elected to give birth without pain meds. I for one do not fancy popping a watermelon out of a pin hole without a little help from Mr. Morphine. Don't judge someone just because they didn't do it like you. People have different pain thresholds. I cry when I clip my toenails. Ok, I don't, but you get it. It doesn't make me horrible for opting for the IV. I would rather enjoy the birthing experience instead of writing in pain. I had a C-Section, but I made it through labor all the way up to 8 CM before that happened and I enjoyed it thanks to those wonderful drugs.

5. Boob Or Bottle. I am not a horrible mother because I didn't breast feed. I was terrified of drugging my kid after having the c-section (I know, it's safe.) but I was naiive. Plus, I just wasn't comfortable at that point in time with nursing. I am considering it when we have another child, but I don't regret using the bottle for my son. He has turned out just fine. So no, I don't care to hear of all the wondeful benefits of the boob over bottle.

6. Keep Your Mucous Plug To Yourself. I will not divulge the dirty nasty of my pregnancy. It's none of your business. Likewise, I would never tell anybody about mine unless they asked first. That goes for constipation, hemmeroids, and pooping at delivery. Just shut up about it.

Heed this advice people. It's hard enough on pregnant women without having to deal with all the looney birds out there trying to live vicariously through your gestation.