Until Death Do Us Part...Maybe...Kinda?

Marriage is a huge deal. A lot bigger of a deal than some people realize. Way way back in the day, couples were paired together based on social status and they were wed extremely young. As time progressed people started getting married much later in life, but now it seems that we are regressing. I, for instance, got married when I was 20 and bore a son later that year. It might seem pretty young, but I was completely sure it was what I wanted. Some of the other young couples my age have not been so lucky. A good chunk of them got married just because they got pregnant and didn't just want to be an "unwed mother statistic." That's not a reason to get married. Your children will grow up thinking that is how it is suppose to be. You make a mistake and a ring cures it all. Most of the time divorce happens within a year or two. There are a lot of things to think about when you are considering those impending nuptials. You need to know before you say "I do" if you can really take those vows to heart. So often people get married because they think that them living together or being together for a long time makes them a prime canidate for marriage. This is not always the case. And you are fooling yourself to think that marriage is just a piece of paper. Things will happen in your marriage that will test you, and under normal circumstances, it might be something that stressed you out so bad you broke up, but that's something you can't do when you're married. You have to take a good look at your relationship and ask yourself if that is something you can live with for the rest of your life. If you are with someone that hasn't really been on their own before and who can't really handle confrontation or communication very well you need to reexamine if marriage is the right choice for you. Things like that, that don't seem like that big of a deal when you are dating, are paramount when you get hitched. Communication is one of the biggest parts of being married and if you don't have that, it won't be long before your union splits and you are left hurt and confused while the dust settles around you. Also, money. Good lord money will split up even the strongest of couples. It is a very ugly and difficult subject that comes up often, especially when there are children involved. For instance, when my husband and I first got together we were both broke. We decided that it was a good idea for him to join the Marines, but it took over a year for that to happen. Meanwhile we lived with his family and during this time I got pregnant with our son. My husband wasn't working any kind of steady job. Just a little under the table gig here and there. Our families came together and they are the ones who put together our wedding for us. And for all the things that were going on, we were so excited to get married. We had no idea when we were going to get our next check and no clue how long it would take him to become enlisted, but we were in wedded bliss. A couple months after our son was born, my husband got the green light and he shipped off to boot. After all the training was done, we began to see our first money problems. Neither one of us was really any good with money. We paid our bills but we also spent money we didn't have. When my husband went on his first deployment, my son and I were living in a little house on our own and I screwed up big time with the money. I paid the bills, but I spent far more than was needed. This was really bad especially since I knew we had to move to California when the hubs got back and we had to pay for it ourselves. I got my shit together before he came home and we had the money to move but it was pretty tight. We got into a very bad way for a while over that money incident. It was a pretty big blow to our marriage. We recovered from it, and we got better with money. But the point is, even the happiest couples have these problems. If our marriage had been weaker, then I have no doubt in my mind that we would not be together today. But like the good adults we were, we worked through our problems and communicated. This would be the point in the realtionship where a lot of couples would crumble and split ways. Just reading it, it may seem like it's not a big deal, but it really is. When you get in that position, you'll know what I'm talking about. Before you sign that dotted line you really have to be sure that you know what you are getting in. It may seem hard to let go of that boyfriend that you love so much, but if you don't think you can handle the ups and downs marriage has to offer you need to remember that it is a lot easier and a lot less messy to break up than it is to get divorced. Save your sanity, and make for damn sure that you can spend your life with that person. It will make your life so much easier, and personally I think the divorce rate needs a little help in coming down some.

"Mommy What's A Bagina?"

It's bad enough to think about that moment when you have to give your kid a sex talk, but this isn't quite what this post is about. It's more watching what you say around your kids, and other people's children for that matter. This has always been a doozy to me. You would think with me currently raising a toddler I would know when I should shut up, but alas, I was born without the "filter" feature on my mouth. My son is a little parrot now, and he always repeats the stuff I don't want him to. And that's on me, but I am even worse when it comes to other's kids. I used to have a pretty bad mouth. (I know, the ones that actually KNOW me are thinking, "USED to??" but I promise I am a lot better than I used to be.) I used to be known for dropping the "C" bomb (C-U-Next-Tuesday...just look at the first letter :p ) and I was really bad about it. I remember one incident in particular that was just a complete fiasco. I was playing cards with one of my friends and her then two year old was there with us. I am super competitive when it comes to card games and when I lose I tend to taunt and talk shit. Well we were into a tight game of Skip-Bo and she was steadily kicking me ass and I yelled out the C bomb, not thinking, when all of a sudden in a voice dripping with innocence we hear "mommy you're a cunt." Cue my shocked face followed quickly by me doubling over in hysterics (because it's totally funny when it's not your kid) and my friend freaking out which made it ten times funnier. It wasn't the first time I made her kid utter obscenities. She was in the car with me a different time and while I was road raging I yelled for someone to get the fuck out of the way and she quickly repeated me. Once again, I was overcome with laughter. Well, I got mine back ten-fold. My son started talking, and started repeating and that finally convinced me to TRY to use my filter. Especially after his month-long stint of using the word "shit" with unbridled frevor. I slowly got better with my mouth, but I had my moments. When I am around my brother-in-law, who is ten, I often slip up. He is a pretty mature kid, so I often find myself saying stuff that I really shouldn't. One of those times was really priceless, and happened not too long ago. I was bullshitting with his mom and older brother about some transsexual and I said something along the lines of "yeah he's totally a guy except for his gaping vagina." To which my BIL says "what's a vagina?" My mother in law was floundering and I was laughing and then she tells me he hasn't had "the talk" yet and has no clue what I am talking about. My mouth will be the death of me one day. I have always maintained that, while I do need to clean up my mouth, I don't want to just sheild my son from cuss words because he is going to hear them elsewhere (especially since we live on a military base full of Marines) and I want him to be able to indentify those words and know they are wrong. Now, this is fine for your own kids if you make that decision, however, watch what you say around the children that aren't yours because their parents may not feel the same. And even if you expose your children to those kinds of words, pick and choose the ones you let him hear, because as I have learned much to my own dismay, they will enevitably utter those words or phrases in a public place and embarrass the absolute shit out of you. Just like when my son told a cashier at walmart that he had to take a shit. It will amaze you how those looks of disgust from random strangers can make you feel like the worst parent in the world. So pick your battles, and try to avoid saying something that is going to get your bitchslapped in the walmart parking lot ;)

Homecoming Harmony

I have to tell you, when my husband went on his first deployment I did nothing but look forward to his homecoming. I invisioned that slow-mo moment of us running into each other's arms while sappy music cued in the background and crescendoed when we fell into each other's warm embraces. Ok, so maybe not. I'm not a sap, my estrogen doesn't pump as hard as some females. But I was pretty friggin excited. I had the ideal situation in my head that we were just going to pick up where we left off. Well, who looks silly with egg on their face? This girl! It was great when he came home (although instead of cheesy music and slow-mo running he was greeted by me and my son and my best friend and her husband toting a case of PBR) but once the initial excitement wore off we were left floundering trying to get our footing in our relationship. We both changed a lot and had to get to know each other again. I'm not going to go all into that. You can read the post The Fire Is Burning...I Think. But suffice it to say, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. We took a page from Stella's book and got our groove back and everything was hunky dory until the next deployment arrived. What I really got to thinking about was, now that I have an idea of what to expect for the next homecoming, and being fully confident that we really can go back to where we left off, I decided to put more effort into making his homecoming really special. While the friends and PBR was good, I wanted to give him something he was really going to remember. I have put together a stellar homecoming gift to my husband and his cami-clad cohorts, but I can't quite say what it is for confidential reasons. (Don't worry, I will reveal it after it happens with pictures and video.) But before I lucked into this wonderful present, I did a lot of research to get some ideas. Many of them repeated themselves, but there were a couple that stuck out. So if you are a wife, fiance, girlfriend, or family member, here are a few ideas for you to ponder upon:

1.  Boudior Pictures. This is one for the ladies who are really comfortable with themselves and not afraid to show a little skin. A friend of mine had these done for her hubby while he was on deployment. I thought it was an excellent idea. It's a little risque, but if you are confident enough, this is something your hubby will really enjoy. Plus, it's something he can take with him if he's sent away again.

2.  A Testerone-Addled Goody Bag. This is one that is super easy and your guy will love you to pieces for it. These guys have been deprived of the little things in life for seven months (or longer depending on your branch in the military) and they want to indulge. For example, my husband's would consist of the latest Call Of Duty game, a gift card for his xbox live membership, a new cell phone, a case of his favorite beer, a big juicy steak, and a piece of lingere (for me obviously) to give him a peek of the festivities to come. Just gather a few of his favorite things and he will love it.

3.  Space. Yeah, you read that right, space. I know you're thinking, he was just gone for all these months, that's the last thing I want to give him. But believe it or not, sometimes that's what he needs. Not right away, of course, he's just as eager as you are to make up for lost time, but what you have to remember is that it is a little jarring to your man to go from standing at full attention all the time to come to a grinding halt. If this is not his first deployment, then he has probably shared with you what life is like out there and he needs time to adjust to being back in civilization and in family mode, as opposed to being surrounded by his fellow troops 24/7. When my hubs came back the first time he had really bad anxiety in the beginning when he would be around a crowd of people. It a little unnerving to them at first. It will pass (if it doesn't then you need to talk to him about possible PTSD and getting the help he needs) and once it does you can get your flow back and enjoy all the couple time you can stand. So just let him shoot some zombies solo for a bit, and he'll thank you for that.

4.  Homecoming Party. This is a common one, but it is certainly a good one. It is a chance for your man to mingle with his loved ones in one sitting and enjoy everybody's company. I know when we go back home for his post deployment leave it gets pretty stressful having to run around and see all the relatives at their various locations when all he really wants to do is relax. Having the party gets the initials hello's out of the way and gives your guy a day or two to relax before he makes the rounds again. Word to the wise though, if you have the luxury of having your loved ones where you are stationed, I caution you to keep the gathering limited to family instead of co-workers. They have just spent the better part of the year, day in and out, with these guys and they need a break from each other. If you don't want to exclude anybody give it a month or so before you have your gathering.

5.  Save Your "Honey-Do" List. The last thing your guy wants to do upon his return is to take care of the little odds and ends around the house. Wait for him to decompress for a few weeks before you push him into that kind of thing. If you have waited this long to have something done, you can wait just a little bit longer while your hubby kicks up his feet and enjoys himself.

These are just a few ideas for you. There are tons out there, but these are some of the better ones. And if you are at a loss, or you can't afford it, don't sweat it. Your guy has been living in conditions far worse and just being home with his family is more than enough for him. And don't stress yourself out trying to make everything perfect. Just enjoy each other's company and be thankful for the time that you have together.

Pregnancy Protocol

My husband and I have been talking about expanding our family to a foursome and naturally my mind has been baby crazy. It made me think about when I was pregnant with our son and how boundaries go out the window when regarding a pregnant chick. These are no-no's, folks, unless you've been given a green light stay far away from these follies.

1. Touching The Bump. This was, by far and wide, my biggest pet peeve when I was preggers. Random friggin people would come up and touch my bun. What the hell possess people to touch a part of the female anatomy? Just because it sticks out more than it used to doesn't mean it's a landing strip for prying hands. It would be complete stangers that would do it too! I once had a woman touch my stomach at WalMart just out of the blue. Never met her in my life. She says, "OH YOU'RE PREGNANT!" (Uh, duh?) and then lays her paws on my protruding stomach. I flipped. I told her if she intended to leave the store with her hands still attached she would remove them from my body. She was shocked. But didn't say anything, can't get mad at a prego afterall, and just walked away. You wouldn't grab some random person's ass because it was big, so don't do the same to a baby bump.

2. Unsolicited Advice. Dear God please stop telling expectant mothers all these "you should's" because unless she asks for it, she doesn't want to hear it. I don't want to hear the cashier's advice on labor, birth, and raising of the child. I got it handled, mk? If I wanted your input, I would ask.

3. Horror Stories. The last thing a pregnant lady wants to hear is that you were in labor for three days and then had to be rushed for a c-section and they sewed a sponge up inside of you. Pregnancy is stressful enough without having the horrific images of someone else's birth looming before you.

4. Natural Birth VS Epidural. Just because they didn't have the good drugs back then, Grandma, doesn't mean it's wrong for me to get my spinal tap. It is fine and dandy if you elected to give birth without pain meds. I for one do not fancy popping a watermelon out of a pin hole without a little help from Mr. Morphine. Don't judge someone just because they didn't do it like you. People have different pain thresholds. I cry when I clip my toenails. Ok, I don't, but you get it. It doesn't make me horrible for opting for the IV. I would rather enjoy the birthing experience instead of writing in pain. I had a C-Section, but I made it through labor all the way up to 8 CM before that happened and I enjoyed it thanks to those wonderful drugs.

5. Boob Or Bottle. I am not a horrible mother because I didn't breast feed. I was terrified of drugging my kid after having the c-section (I know, it's safe.) but I was naiive. Plus, I just wasn't comfortable at that point in time with nursing. I am considering it when we have another child, but I don't regret using the bottle for my son. He has turned out just fine. So no, I don't care to hear of all the wondeful benefits of the boob over bottle.

6. Keep Your Mucous Plug To Yourself. I will not divulge the dirty nasty of my pregnancy. It's none of your business. Likewise, I would never tell anybody about mine unless they asked first. That goes for constipation, hemmeroids, and pooping at delivery. Just shut up about it.

Heed this advice people. It's hard enough on pregnant women without having to deal with all the looney birds out there trying to live vicariously through your gestation.

Adventures In Pottyland

There are a lot of trials and tribulations when children come into your life. One of the biggest milestones in your child's life is potty training. I was always really spoiled with my son, Brody. He has always been an easy kid, and to be honest, it's not nearly as trying as I thought it was going to be. There weren't many sleepless nights, he got tired of using a pacifier after about three months, he had no troubles learning to crawl, sit up, walk, or talk. He smoothly migrated from the world of bottles and formula to regular milk, sippy cups, and real food with zero issues of weaning from the bottle. I really expected for mama Karma to test my sanity when the time came to potty train. I was wrong again. I had heard from everybody that it is best to wait until your child makes the choice to go on the toilet when they were ready. I was scared that that moment would ever come. I mean who wants to trade in the ability to go to the bathroom at any given moment you pleased without having to wait until you located a restroom? But this was not the case. My son started showing the classic signs that he was ready for the big boy potty by letting me know when he had used the bathroom, and then later notifying me beforehand. He would take his diaper off and tell me it was showtime. So I went out and got him his very own throne and got to work. I read that offering incentives (which is just a fancy way of saying bribery) would encourage my child to make the positive choice to go on his toilet. I made him a treat jar, and everytime he made it to his potty on time he was rewarded with a piece of candy. So far it's working. We have certainly had our share of mishaps though. For instance, his great grandpa was watching him for a total of about 15 minutes when my son managed to evade his gramps and tear his diaper off, then proceed to leave a Hansel and Gretel-style trail of pee and poo throughout the house. And during this excursion he managed to taste test some of his own stool. Boy that was a fun clean up. As well as the time he decided to shed his diaper and let the urine flow right on the living room floor, after which he promptly demanded that I clean it up and give him candy. So, while we have those little situations, potty training on the whole has been really easy. All those parenting books aren't lying when they say the best time to give the toilet the ol college try when the kids decide themselves. That made life a lot easier because we didn't have to force him to do something he wasn't comfortable doing. He decided and so it shall be. Forcing them to do it causes the child to associate the porcelin god with negative feelings and that makes the whole process a lot longer and harder than it should be. We are still going at it, and he is doing wonderfully. The best thing to remember is not to expect too much, and not to get frustrated. As long as your kid receives praise and is comfortable it will be a piece of cake. Happy training, folks!