The Diaper Rodeo And Other Toddler Adventures

I am often asked, "What is the hardest part of parenting?" You would expect me to answer with something like, the long sleepless nights, or perhaps hemorraging money. No. The hardest part of being a parent is getting my child to calmly change his diaper and put on his clothes and shoes...and keep them on. My kid is a nudist, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this problem. I dread going out in public with him. I sweat with frustration just thinking about it. This is a typical day of trying to get my son public-ready:
I try to covertly grab a diaper. (If he sees me doing this, he takes off, and I'll be damned if I can catch him.) Once the diaper is secure, I take him to the living room where his clothes are waiting. At this point I can't avoid it and he sees these things and knows it's time to become a pint sized bucking bronco. Was that a malicious glint I saw in his eye just now? For sure. I lay him down on the floor and ready the new diaper. This is when the kicking starts. I'm dodging feet and trying to keep his ass planted on the floor so he's not walking around with a crooked diaper. Sweat is pouring down my face and the end doesn't seem to be anywhere in sight. Finally the new diaper is secure and I throw my hands in the air victoriously looking around to see if anybody saw this accomplishment, greedily asking "What's my time?" This is short lived because now it's time to get his clothes on. It never fails I put both legs in one hole and have to start all over. Meanwhile he is just kicking and thrashing and laughing as manically as ever. I'm glad he's having fun. Pants are on. Socks are a breeze. Shirt over the head. Now for the shoes. Putting shoes on a toddler is like putting shoes on a comatose patient. They offer no help and of course, the damn things don't won't to go on without the back of the shoe folding inside when you are finally lucky enough to get the shoe on his foot. But eventually it happens. And then it's time for me to chage my clothes because I have sweat through mine worse than a menopausal woman in Mexico in the middle of July with no air conditioning. I'm changed in two seconds flat only to come back out and find my kid wearing nothing but a diaper and his shoes. Where is the rodeo clown when I need one?